The realities of a condition where it feels like you just can't stop.
I’ve missed the Disordered and everything it represents to me and I’ve been thinking so heavily about how for so many with ADHD life can feel so exhausting like a never-ending marathon. I often feel as though I’m just running and constantly out of breath. I can’t see the end and I don’t even remember the beginning, simply running for the sake of it; to not be left behind, so no one forgets, in hopes I’ll remember why I’m running. I was always known as the friend who either always had something going on or was experiencing something. I soon realised I was running from peace and relaxation, feelings that seemed unearned and saddening to me. For the first time in my life, I have been forced into a place of peace, and I’m still reckoning with the aching feeling in my stomach that feels as though I’m not doing enough. But writing this I realise how ADHD makes me feel like such a weakling to the feeling of fleeting happiness I crave from dopamine. ‘Congratulations’, a pretty dress, a good grade, a sense of recognition, all things that don’t determine or change who we are but for people with ADHD can feel like everything, like the entirety of living, is to be happy for a moment. When all I was ever asked of as a human both consciously and physically was to grow.
So I’m here writing this to remind you, that your worth isn’t placed into what society deems as success, perfection, or achievement because soon we fall in love with the idea of having not actually what we have. We lose sense of our motivations. We again become marathon runners halfway through the run unable to see their destination, unable to remember where they began. So as the world gets more and more complicated day by day, I find myself more conscious of the pressures I put on myself to be the person others want me to be and hate how my ADHD feels. If you are neurodiverse, if you are not, this is my reminder to you that it’s okay to stop and remember, remember who you are and what you truly want out of life. That we only experience life once and the biggest thing that holds most of us back is fear and the unknown. The need to run when we don’t know why. So as I return to my monthly posts I end this blog post telling you that although they say life is like a marathon, not a sprint, in reality, a marathon is a different kind of hard, so take a moment to catch your breath.
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