One year on….
Sunday the 18th of June will officially be a year since I was diagnosed with ADHD and it’s surpassed anything I could have ever imagined. It’s probably been both the hardest and most substantial year in my life. I've had to let go of who I was before my diagnosis and appreciate who I am now. I am 2 stone’s lighter, taking medication daily, reflective, more confident but also doubtful, and my childlike optimism has subsided. My biggest lesson through it all has been the reality of needing others but also the importance of forgiving yourself. This time last year I took the leap of choosing a career in tech instead of working as an autistic teacher and I felt much guilt that this career didn’t excite me anymore. I felt challenged, but also lost and this would be the first time someone labelled me as unpredictable. It was a shock to the system, something I found at the time so upsetting, but I’ve now found a beauty in being unpredictable is that I learned both the importance and stupidity of planning. I’d often explain my ADHD personally as a feeling of my mind constantly running and being constantly exhausted by the inability to switch my brain off or relax. I saw myself this year working hard but also attempting to push myself outside of my job way too much and for the first time have truly been able to realise that it is okay to have nothing to do.
I’ve always viewed myself as a shapeshifter, someone who moulded to my surroundings, I’ve begun to separate that confusion I get from my brain being so overwhelming. It’s allowed me to start writing this blog and find interest in something, for a long time I believed I would never find the same stimulation I found in dancing and for many years it left me feeling hollow. ADHD is an extremely complicated condition before my diagnosis, I myself as a psychology student didn’t really understand why people with ADHD took stimulants. Honestly, I can explain it as the feeling of always being drained, to finally having energy as someone currently on medication it has completely changed the way I think. I’m still learning to not be drained by my essence of caring. This is something that took me going through a lot of things alone to realise that it is okay to care and be kind, it’s not in my control to dictate reciprocity and change in others, but to just be me. I won’t act as though when things are hard they aren’t the worst. Some days I feel like a robot on medication or like I’ve been on an energy drink every day of the week. It’s harder because I don't come across as a typical neurodivergent. People often forget that I struggle with things and that although my ADHD is less explicit doesn’t mean it has less impact. Neurodiversity is harder to acknowledge when you can’t visually see it and for me it’s all in my mind.
Thankyou all so much for reading over the last 6 months, I hope you’ve found it enjoyable and can’t wait to explore mental health in a more contextual way as I have been given the massive opportunity to spend some time at an amazing charity.
Keep an eye out for more posts soon
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